The Art of Dating Your Wife: Date Night Mastery

Episode # 1159

How do you reconnect with your wife after years of marriage? What makes a great date night when life is busy, routines have taken over, and the spark feels harder to find?

In this episode, Doug Holt sits down with Coach Chris to answer those questions and share a practical approach to dating your wife again. Instead of focusing on expensive nights out or elaborate plans, they explain why meaningful connection comes from being intentional, playful, and genuinely curious about your partner.

You'll hear why simply going out to dinner often isn't enough, how small moments of connection can have a bigger impact than grand gestures, and why bringing fun, mystery, and leadership back into your relationship can change the way you and your wife relate to each other. Doug and Chris also share simple date night ideas, conversation starters, and mindset shifts that make it easier to reconnect without forcing difficult conversations or adding more stress to your relationship.

If you've been wondering how to reconnect with your wife, improve your marriage, create better date nights, or build a stronger emotional connection, this episode offers practical advice you can start using right away.

Get your free copy of A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It and discover practical steps to rebuild connection, strengthen your marriage, and become the husband your wife wants to reconnect with. Get your free book here: https://thepowerfulman.com/freebook

Transcription

Doug Holt 0:00She knows, and so it's boring for her as well.

Chris 0:03Pull some fun questions out, sit down, have an opportunity,

Doug Holt 0:06Provide that escape, provide that fantasy, because

Chris 0:09Those things can bring up some touchy subjects that you guys may not be ready for yet.

Doug Holt 0:13And feminine wants to be free and not contained.

Chris 0:16Dating really just any opportunity we have to connect,

Doug Holt 0:19Do something that scares you a little bit, that you can laugh at yourself.

Chris 0:22Be the detective. Always be the detective.

Doug Holt 0:25If she's not connecting with you, she's connecting with someone else.

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The TPM Show. And once again, joined by a very special guest, a good friend of mine, Coach Chris. Today we're gonna talk about dating your wife. I know it sounds simple, but it's probably something you may or may not be getting right. And Coach Chris has got some really good insights. He's been here dropping that knowledge before, and he's gonna do it again. Chris, thanks for being here, man.

Chris 1:02It's been a while. It has been a while to get you back at the ranch.

Doug Holt 1:05Let's make this more often, my opinion.

Chris 1:08Absolutely.

Doug Holt 1:09Well, let's talk a little bit about you. For those people that haven't listened to or joking the 1,500 episodes we've done, you know, you came through The Activation Method program, went into The Brotherhood, won the Brothers Brother Award which, for guys that aren't aware, imagine a cohort of amazing men voting for a man they believe not only practices what they preach but raises the bar for all the men around them. So, you have 100 and some men voting for one guy, and you won that award.

And fast forward, gosh, six years been six years now you run the Navigate program that we have. The Navigate program is unique for TPM; it's for non-business owners, right? We've specialized for business owners for 10 years, and that's just taken off like like hotcakes. I don't know, it's been awesome, man, to see you as a coach and really leading the way once again, helping those men find their way on their journey.

Chris 2:07Thanks. So, it's been great, and you know, it's one of the things I talked to the guys when they come on, is that that I wasn't just a men's coach, like, I was in their shoes, and like, I went through this journey, I've been through this. And like, I know what you're what you're going to experience and what you're going to go through. And so for me, it was, I think, a really important part of my journey like, I needed that, and that really helps me connect. And it's been really great, and the guys... just seeing them transform at different times, but it's so crazy to me how quickly they can transform, right?

Doug Holt 2:40I think people underestimate the "in the trenches" knowledge, right? It's... so, fitness is my old profession, and they used to talk about: you can understand the theory of putting 600 pounds on your back and squatting it, but the guy who's actually done it, he's got a little bit more knowledge, right? You can have both you can have the theory and the practical, "in the trenches" knowledge. That's what you have, and combining both of those gives you real-world experience, because you could be like, "Dude, I've been there, and here's how you get out."

Chris 3:10Yep. You can relate at such a deep level, which is amazing.

Doug Holt 3:15And what we're gonna talk about today is date night, and you know, one of your comments on date night went viral on the internet, because I think a lot of guys, one, don't do dates with their wife anymore; two, when they do do it, they go, "Hey, I just took my wife out to dinner." Let's talk about date night. What is date night to you?

Chris 3:33Well, this is funny, because this is the one I've been talking about quite a bit lately. And I think what we what we presume date night is is always creating an experience or an event. And here's the problem with that: is we have to take them to dinner, we have to take them dancing, we have to take them to the movie. But life is busy for everyone, right? And so all of a sudden, creating a new experience, a new thing, or doing the same thing over and over again ends up being a chore.

And what happens to that chore is it gets kicked down the priority list, right? And so we've been together... maybe you've been married 10 years and you dated great in the beginning, and all of a sudden it hasn't been years, or maybe we call something a date that really is going to eat dinner. And so what I've really thought about is like, what actually is what should dating be? And dating is really just any opportunity we have to connect. And it's not... it's about to create an experience and an event, but it's really, first and foremost, it's about connection.

And because of that, we need to think about anytime we have an opportunity. We don't have to make the get the babysitter all the time to do that. It can be on the couch at night when the kids go to sleep pull some fun questions out, sit down, have an opportunity. What I've noticed, and you probably noticed a million times, is the fact that we've been with our partners a long time, but do we actually really know them? Right? We ask the same questions; we ask opening questions: "How was your day?" Right? That's not getting to know them, right? 100%. And we change, we grow, we're always developing, right? We are, they are, and we're not the same person we were five years ago, 10 years ago, right.

Doug Holt 5:07Well, it's so true. One of the first things I asked the guys is, I go, "Tell me the books your wife's reading," and they're, uh... and they think they know. I go, "Go take a picture of it." So I developed... you know me, I'm an AI nerd these days, but I created a custom GPT for the men in the community, and you can take a picture of the cover of your wife's book, and it gives you a synopsis, questions to ask her, so you can get into her world about the book. And I'll tell you, man, eight times out of 10, the guys come back, they're like, "Dude, she's reading like hidden erotica." Bro, the best-selling books that women read are basically erotica books, and so if she's reading that, you want to get into her world and understand that.

Chris 5:48Absolutely. It's so funny, on the way over here... one of my ideas, we're gonna go off the grid here for a couple days after this, right? And I said we should download one of the books that you like to read, so we can listen to it, because...

Doug Holt 5:59And you're talking about your partner...

Chris 6:02Yes, my girlfriend. And so and so, she was excited to kind of... she started looking and find it. And so, get a chance to kind of understand what she's reading. And so, I think it's fun to get in their world. We need to do that more often. That's the other part like, it's important. And and and when we spend that time and energy to get into their world, they're going to be more in tune to get into our world.

Doug Holt 6:21100%. One of the things I've talked about here before is, one, I'm guilty of making date night trying to make it a big thing. And I live... growing up in Southern California, tons of things to do. I now live in a small town, right? And so everything closes at like 7:00 PM, so you have to get a little bit more creative than just the plug-and-play, easy to go to Dave & Buster's, or one of these types of things.

And so, I took my wife out, like, "Hey, there's an art walk." We're not really art people, but let's go make it some fun, you know? They have little glasses of wine if you want it, and walk around. And she goes, "Hey, let's go to the bar and get a drink there."

"Sure, sounds good."

There are there are two other couples sitting at the bar, and they're doing the kind of the classic, just catching up thing. And I pulled out questions I brought from the dope book of questions out of my pocket, which surprised her, because, like, you know... and we just started asking questions, and we're laughing, and then almost getting serious with the questions, and deep. And it was such an easy way to connect, and all the other couples started asking us kind of about what we were doing, and so we kind of shared the cards and go through. But I've been guilty, Chris, of making it a big deal, or also just being like, "I'm friggin' tired, let's just go to dinner," and falling into that trap of not having the connection you want to have.

Chris 7:41And I think it's so important that you got to go outside that box, like you said. Like, it doesn't it doesn't matter about the art as much as, like, opportunity to connect. And the other thing is, we keep doing the same thing all the time, it gets boring, right? Where's the mystery at? Where's the excitement that comes with that? And so throwing something random out there is so important to do every once in a while. And maybe it doesn't... maybe it isn't something you guys are interested in. Well, don't have to do that again, right?

Doug Holt 8:06And you can make something fun. So, again and this is not to toot my horn on the art thing but we're not art people. We go in and we turn to a wall and go, "Okay, if you had to buy one of these to put in our living room, which one would you buy?" And that just starts a discussion. And then, of course, the, you know, the gallery person sees you guys talking about their art, they want to come over and tell you the story behind it, and we move from wall to wall and just made it a fun game, like, "This is this sucks, like our kids could make this." And so we created that fun spontaneity out of something that we wouldn't typically be my go-to or hers, to make happen, but we needed something different.

Chris 8:47Absolutely. And it's being the Chief Fun Officer the CFO like, bringing that. And I love those games. I love... there's so many connection card games out there. And I always tell the guys, especially if you haven't dated your wife, you guys haven't had a lot of deep talks, don't just grab a box and start pulling cards blindly, right? Like, be careful, and go through go make sure to pick out the fun ones, because those things can bring up some touchy subjects that you guys may not be ready for yet. So...

Doug Holt 9:11100%. And choose your deck wisely, right? I probably have a dozen of them at this point guys have sent them to me, or, you know, as gifts and things. We have a date night PDF ebook, if you will, that we wrote a while ago, and on there, they're icebreaker questions. I think there's 20 of them. Because that's one of the complaints a lot of guys have, like, they're rusty, you know?

When you first start dating, you don't know the person, hormones are through the roof, right? And so you're curious, you're laughing, and you're not committed, so you're light and you're free, and there's mystery, to your point. And then along the time, right, you got kids, things get monotonous. Your wife knows exactly what you do as soon as you walk in the door she knows where you're putting your keys, your laptop, you know, you're pouring a drink, or you go into the kitchen, she knows. And so it's boring for her as well. All... and to your point, getting into getting into her books, what is she reading? Who's her best friend, right? What's going on in her best friend's world? Because guys forget that that's a big part of her influence, you know, are the people that she's communicating with.

What are some ideas? This is one of the questions I always like to ask in the community. What are some... let's go, maybe back and forth with maybe five date night ideas that these guys can pull off, because I'm sure a lot of these guys are listening, going, "Shit, okay, art gallery, I got that." And then Chris mentions cards, what else can guys...

Chris 10:32I mean, there's... you can... there's only any kind of event, right? But it's like what you did the art gallery you... you turned to something that could have been just pretty quiet list and didn't, but you went deep. You found a way to engage, right? And so, like, you go to Dave & Buster's to do the arcade, make a competition out of it, right? And so it's not always just about the event itself, it's about how you engage and how you lead them, right? And that's the biggest part is like, you have to lead the experience from the start to the finish.

And that's really where the engagement has... like, what happens is most relationships, we're missing the polarity's lost, right? And where can it come back? Well, date night is where it needs and has to come back if they ever want to get back to the bedroom. And so the only way we do that is by leading, making the decisions, and taking letting her fall back into that beautiful feminine energy of no decision-making, and have fun.

And actually, even the call the office hour call we had today with the guys is like, don't go... date night isn't about having a hard conversation, so don't go think you're going to talk about relationship. Take it off the table. Said, "No, this is about fun, this is about play." "I've got some great ideas that we're gonna go do tonight," leaves a mystery, have it fully planned out. Tell her what to wear even if she wears it or not, doesn't matter.

Doug Holt 11:48There's a funny one of the ones that I've been using, that I think is... Lili, and she loves it. I use a fake personal assistant through AI that sends her... and he's very disgruntled, he's also secretly in love with her, and so every time he sends her a message about what to prepare for for date night, and so there's always this funny thing. So anytime we have date night or a trip plan, Bill, my personal assistant, sends her what to be prepared for and makes fun of me during it, and like, she just thinks it's hilarious.

That's creative. I'm gonna steal that one, right? And that's what it's about is taking other people's ideas and running with them. I did a date night that went really well for me, at least, and for my wife. Is I was like, "Hey, let's just be teenagers." And we went out and we just ordered all the appetizers, right? And then we hopped back in my truck and went into the woods and made out, you know? That was the whole theme of that. Turned into an intimate moment for... you know, which was thumbs up for that date night, right? But it was wild and free. She didn't know what was coming. I didn't really know what was going to happen. I was just like, "Let's be like what we did as teenagers."

Chris 12:44I say that. I think I say that every day: it's like I need to do something kid-like every day. And when we're dating, we need to be like teenagers, because some of those are exciting times or the times and we can go back there. And, like, dating can be so much because we know so much, we understand intimacy, we understand how to lead. It's like a whole different game, right?

And one thing that I think guys are so fearful of is the rejection when it comes to dating. Yes, like they're so afraid to be rejected, and so they keep themselves from stepping up to even lead and do that, even though they're dying to get there. They want that experience back again so badly, but they're just so afraid to step into that. And sometimes and you know this when the guys first come in, one of the things I ask them is like, "If you were asked to go to coffee or walk around the block, what'd you tell you right now?" And he's like, "That's a maybe. It's a maybe." It's like, that's amazing, you have an opportunity you don't realize. You guys are in a great spot.

But what if you asked her to go for a walk and she said no, but you still went, right? You're just gonna still lead yourself if you go after a date. Doesn't matter. Go to go to Dave & Buster's yourself, like just do that. And eventually, as you experience that, they're gonna start following. They're gonna want to be a part of that, you know? And you just have to you have to do it. Don't get stuck not doing it.

Doug Holt 14:36That's a good... I think that's a really good point: is men need to learn to date themselves as well as their wives. And what Chris is saying here is saying... I'll use an analogy. If you say, "Hey, do you want to go to the movies or not? Hey, let's go to the movies on Thursday," and she says, "No," you still go to the movies and take yourself to the movies by buy the big popcorn, the soda, and enjoy yourself. And she's gonna pick up on that. One, it's something new; you don't normally do that. Two, "Hey, that's interesting." And three, that you're actually taking care of yourself, because what a lot of women will notice is, if a man can't take care of himself, how the heck is he going to take care of her?

Chris 15:20It's a test, right? It's a... if we're not leading ourselves, we also... we lose trust in ourselves when we... and we're always codependent on what they're doing, what they're feeling. And they need to feel that we have that purpose, that direction to operate without them sometimes.

Doug Holt 15:36And when I do this... this happened actually two days ago, my wife was like, "I'm starting to worry that there's another woman," you know? Like, perfect. The fact that you think that another woman wants me, that's good enough for me. But you know, they'll start going, "I hate you're doing things differently," and it's more fun for me to mix things up, right, to be in that role. And most men want to be in the leadership role, and to your point, it's the fear of rejection. And the fear of rejection is so powerful, they're willing to let the relationship dither or just wither away rather than taking the risk.

Chris 16:13And you know this as well, as when you you pick up that ball, you create that experience, you create that connection. There is nothing more masculine than when you lead in that way. You feel so good, they feel so good, and to get them just to touch that one time to remember maybe what that felt like years ago.

Doug Holt 16:31I want to buy you a gift. Look, if your marriage is struggling and let's be real, every marriage struggles at some point, but yours is struggling, where you've lost that love, admiration, respect I want to help you. I want to buy you a copy of the book that I wrote, A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. In here, I've distilled over eight years of programs that we've developed at TPM to help men just like you save their marriages without talking about it. There's no fluff, no BS. It's an action plan that you can start using today to actually save your marriage and bring that love and respect back into your family, back into your house. You deserve it.

Look, all I ask is you pay the postage, you pay the shipping. I'll buy the book for you, that way you can take massive action today. Click the link or find it in the bio, and get your copy now.

Chris 17:24And then all of a sudden, it's not a chore. It's actually something you look forward to. Date night I can't wait till Friday gets here. I can't wait to where I'm going to go and take her to do, right? And that's the difference is like what we did, doesn't have to be a chore, it can be something... so it's a little mini-vacation for the two of you.

Doug Holt 17:41Well, that's it. So you bring up another point, and then this is in the ebook. When I wrote that, is date night, what a lot of guys do is they stress, "Okay, what will make my wife happy? What will make my wife happy?" No. What will make you happy?

And the analogy I give guys to drive this home, Chris, is: look, you've owned multiple businesses yourself, you know, you've been invited to parties where they've had amazing buffets, everything's immaculate, but the host is stressed out, or the hostess, and nobody's really having fun. You're like, "Wow, the food's amazing." Conversely, you and I both, you know, like to do outdoor stuff and have friends, and you've also been to people's houses where you're like sitting on the floor eating pizza, and they're, "Hey, if you want a beer, go get it in the fridge," and the host is having a great time, and it's like, "This is the best party I've been to." And I think guys miss that it's the host that makes the party, it's not the ambiance. It adds to it, and it can add flavor and experience, so you want to be the host of date night, having a great time picking the concert.

And think of her like, don't take her to a death metal show if she's not into anything maybe once, but it's not really her thing. If you can find something that both of you want to do, great. And also add on to give guys ideas: do something that scares you a little bit, that you can laugh at yourself. Yes, take her roller skating, take her ice skating, where you're gonna fall on your ass 100 times. But then when you fall on your ass, don't get stressed, and you know, make fun of yourself, laugh at yourself, have a good time, you know, pull her down too, right? And and just enjoy it.

Chris 19:18I think it's so important to go... dating needs to be that little uncomfortableness, because you're pushing something you haven't explored together. It's like, "Oh, we're going to this little private lake, and we're gonna skinny dip," right? And, shit, we haven't done that in so long, right? And there's that nervous excitement that comes around that. Right, 100%, man. And I think you use it as... so, so important that the fact that if we're only building the date off of what they we think they're going to like, we're not going to be excited. Like, we're gonna have to fake it. Like, "Oh, I want to go salsa dancing," I can't dance, it doesn't work. And like, and they're gonna feel that energy, right? That's that right off the bat, that's gonna... they shut everything down.

Doug Holt 20:01Another fun idea, again, giving the guys ideas, is go on a date and act like you don't know each other, right? And even to the waiter or waitress, like, act like you don't know, and make it spice it up a little bit, and make it fun, right? And kind of play with the other. If you go to a restaurant or anything else, and they say, "Oh, is this your wife?"

"No." And watch their reactions as things come about.

Chris 20:26Oh, that's great. I love that. Little role play.

Doug Holt 20:29Role play. But again, you're you're making it light and easy. And to your point, you know, if you're if date night's newer and you haven't been in a rhythm for a long time, don't bring up the serious conversations about the divorce, about the affair, about... and don't talk about work, right? Don't make it... I did this, Chris. I would make it a board meeting kind of thing, like, you know, like, "Okay, we're at date night. Hey, I need to talk to you about this. You know, here's something that's going on. Here's all the things that aren't going to work," you know. "Colton, I can't believe this guy left my laptop in my house." Maybe drive back and start complaining. Nobody wants to be a part of that.

Chris 21:07No, and you got to be careful with kids, too, because it's easy to talk about the kids, right? And it's okay to bring it up, but you got to shift back into connection, fun, play.

Doug Holt 21:16Another idea that I do often is... one of the things, I'm extremely goal-oriented, most of us guys are, and I want to be like, "Hey, let's set our vision." And every time I've sat down with my wife, like, "Hey, let's set a vision," it goes horribly wrong. So instead, I start... now I've learned to be playful. Like, "Oh, you know..." to my wife, Erin, I'm like, "Hey, babe, if you can go we can go anywhere in the world this month, anywhere, with or without the kids, where would we go? What would we do?"

And she starts to, "Oh, wow, we'd go we'd go to Hawaii, and we'd bring the kids with us." And she starts to get into this imaginary zone, and I start playing with it. And secretly, what I'm doing is understanding what her vision is. What would she like to do? "Hey, we could learn two things: salsa dancing, knife throwing, whatever it is. What would you like to do?" And notice how my tone changes. I'm like, "Hey, if you could go anywhere in the world..." I'm bringing the excitement and the energy. And I sometimes fake it till you make it, but you allow her to be in that playful area.

And one thing I'll add in is, if you're doing these kind of questions with your wife, I always add in: "And you can change your mind right after you say it, or a year from now. I'm not gonna hold you to it," right? So that gives her that releases the pressure of, "Oh shit, if I say Hawaii, Doug's gonna think I have to go to Hawaii," and really, I can't decide between Hawaii, New Zealand... and the feminine wants to be free and not contained, and so you got to open that opportunity.

Chris 22:45I think it's a... that a lot of times we get in the groove and we'll be doing the same thing so long, and that we haven't dated. There's very little talk of co-creation, what that looks like. And that's what you're thinking, is: what do we want to do? What's next year look like? What's five years look like, right? And like, it's so important for couples to be in that kind of fun, kind of building this fantasy idea which way to go, right? Doesn't mean it has to go that way, but at least it's always fun to play in that space. Right?

Doug Holt 23:12Yep, and you should always have something always have a trip planned or talked about, always have something in the future to look forward to for both of you guys, because life's gonna throw shit at you. It's gonna throw things at you, it's gonna it's gonna make things difficult with the kids, health, family members, business. It's just gonna happen. And so, if you have something to look forward to, it makes those those dips on the road a little bit easier to bear.

Chris 23:36The other thing, which I use all the time, that you're always saying, is: "Show me your calendar, or show your priority." This needs to go in the calendar, like you said. You have to schedule this stuff. It has to be in there. Like, if your wife and your family is the most important, dating has to be important. It has to be in the calendar. Put all of this in there, make this a priority of it, because here's one thing: you lose your job, you're pretty devastated. You lose your marriage, it's a whole other thing. And for someone who's been through a divorce, I tell you what, it's... if only my calendar has my job in it, there's going to be a problem, right, in the future.

Doug Holt 24:10100%, man. It's it's a tough, tough road. It's tough to plan date night, it's tough to get divorced. Choose your choose your hard. Choose your hard, right? You know, and it's kind of like working out or not working out. It sucks to be the dad that's not in shape, can't play with your kids. It sucks working out. Which one do you want? They both suck, so pick one. Pick one.

Chris 24:36And I think, like, getting back into dating, call it micro-dating. Like I said, start with the small stuff: little cup of coffee, some fun questions, little walk around the block, take the dog with you whatever the case is. It doesn't... start little. Start letting her engage and feel the new experience that you're going to bring, and then it's easier to take her on bigger adventures and bigger events, and you can build from that.

Doug Holt 24:58I love that idea, um. When Erin and I were going through our hard times, that's something I consciously did, was coffee connections in the morning, and they were awkward at first, right? And one of the things that we both started doing with each other is, "What's your intention for the day?" Like, you know, and you know, at the beginning it was tough, but the intention we're saying, like, "I want today to be light and easy. I want today to be productive yet not stressful."

And we got in a habit of doing that intention and just discussing, and then, of course, the obvious question is, "Why is that important to you?" right? And then you start understanding, because I would assume if you say light and easy, it's my version of light and easy. If I say, "Why that's important to you?" go, "Well, you know, Doug, you know, my partner and I are actually going through a tough time," or whatever it may be, and how I can start getting into your world. Go, "Oh shit, that's not what I was thinking. That's interesting to know."

Chris 25:50Be the detective, always be the detective.

Doug Holt 25:53I look at it as... instead of detective, just a slight change for me that works better is like a journalist, right? Because for a detective, for some reason, I think it's like, what are you ruling them, prosecuting them to a degree, or judging them? Whereas a journalist, like... you'll see journalists, you know, interview serial killers, and... but they do it without judgment, at least during the interview, and that's how they get the information out of that person, and they could judge them afterwards. It's a good point.

But whatever works for you, sure, right at the end of the day. But that, like you said, I think it's great when you think about where most guys are in. Start with that coffee connection, you know? And bring her a cup of coffee, right, if she drinks coffee if it's tea, or whatever her favorite drink is and sit down with her, and go... and maybe ask her, go, "What would an amazing day look like to you? Like, what's what's a win you want to have by the end of the day?"

And try to do... it's kind of kind of one of the things that we say a lot in this podcast, and I don't expect everybody to listen to all of these, but guys will complain, like, "Oh, my wife's always on Instagram." Well, be more fun than Instagram. I mean, that's the obvious choice, right? Like, I get it. All of us are on social media more than we probably like to admit, but we're on there for an escape. Provide that escape, provide that fantasy, provide that thing.

And you said earlier, before we hit record, that on the way here to the ranch because you drove with your girlfriend to the ranch and stayed here you guys had... you had a question. We were talking about cars and trucks. You turned to her and said?

Chris 27:24I said... I was like, "If a guy shows up with this vehicle, what does that tell you about him?" And then we went through probably 30 different vehicles, and she was very detailed on how this guy grew up and what he was wearing, and it was amazing. It was a hilarious conversation. And so...

Doug Holt 27:41I think that's great, man. Like, how what what a creative idea. I'm totally stealing that, by the way. And I guarantee every guy listening to this wants to know what her answers are, because they want to know how their vehicle...

Chris 27:55We talked about how men... don't mean we don't judge their cars. Okay, they could pull up any car, we're just like, "We don't care about the cars." The last thing we care about, exactly. It was very much different for women. But I think what you said earlier, too, about the phone is being more interesting than the phone. The phone's empty calories. They're on there just to keep themselves distracted from real connections what they want. Yep, that feels so much better, right? So, it really doesn't take that much to be more interesting than a phone.

Doug Holt 28:20100%. And I can tell you what, based on my experience working with thousands of guys at this point, and families: if she's not connecting with you, she's connecting with someone else. Now, hopefully, that could be a sister, a mom, coworker. But I mean, guys listening to this know very well that there's other guys DMing them, trying to reach out to them old boyfriends from high school to the guy at the gym, or what have you. Women have unlimited opportunities. Not... guys will drop their standards for a woman at some point in his life, so she's got them. So, guys, if you're not connecting with your wife, somebody is. So, you get to choose and get over that rejection you're gonna get rejected.

Doug Holt 29:05Yes, I tell the guys this all the time, is like, as a man, that's what we face, is rejection. And but instead of looking at it as rejection, give yourself a win. You had the courage to step up every single time, and that's a win. If you get rejected... I had a guy for the weekend. His goal was to count how many times he got rejected. Yes, he annoyed the shit out of his wife, but he came back with a different confidence on Monday. He did.

Doug Holt 29:28I mean, that's exactly what I have guys do. You have to get rejected every day, right? And it doesn't have to be with your wife, just with somebody. Go to Starbucks and ask for a free coffee, you know? Just... they're gonna be like, "No." And the craziest thing is when I have guys do this and I used to do it a lot more than I do now guys would be like, "Holy cow, went to Starbucks, asked for a free coffee, and they gave it to me." You know, that wasn't the plan. But you realize how often we create stories about people saying no, and we don't give people the opportunity to say yes.

Chris 29:59That's so true.

Doug Holt 30:00Especially our wives.

Chris 30:01I think, and our wives, too. We always have to make sure... they want to be dated. All women want to be dated dying for it. And if they're not... you're not doing it, they're fantasizing what that would be like, right? And so...

Doug Holt 30:11What do you think the books are about?

Chris 30:13They dive into those because they get that feeling, right?

Doug Holt 30:16100%. And again, guys, you can look it up with AI. I do it. Take a take a photo of the books your wife has lying around. My wife's in two book clubs, and I do it, and I am like, "These horny, kinky women..." Like, dang! Then I get into it, I'm like, "All right, this one's about, you know, a rancher or something like that, doing this." I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna be the rancher." Or I'll ask her, "Where are you in the book?" Halfway through, I'm like, "Oh, can you believe that John did this to Kelly?" And she, at this point, she knows. She's like, "Oh my gosh, you know, all the group of women are talking about this." And look at the themes that she's reading. Maybe she's secretly designed desiring to be taken. And you think she's too conservative. Dude, if I had a nickel for every time a guy told me, "Well, my wife's different, she just... she's not interested in sex." I'm like, "No, bro, she's just not interested in sex with you."

Chris 31:09I mean, here's the thing, is like, and especially with both men and women, a lot of us aren't being honest of who we are sexual beings and our wants and desires. We've lived in the shadows. And women, especially, have because of what society says that means when they ask and need, yep. And a lot of times, if you ask them directly, "Well, what do you want?" they don't know, and that's the truth about it. Because no one's ever led them down to experience those things. And that's our job is to bring bring those things to the table, to experiences, let them decide if that makes sense or not, right?

Doug Holt 31:39That's a whole 'nother podcast. Do that one next. Awesome, brother. Always love having you here. You always drop so much wisdom. Thanks for all you do for the men. I know if the Navigate guys were here, I'm sure they'd all tell you how many guys' lives you've saved, how many families you've saved, just by doing the work and showing up as you.

Chris 31:56Thanks for the opportunity, Doug.

Doug Holt 31:58You got it, brother. Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action and this one for sure. You got to be dating your wife, because if you're not dating your wife, or your partner, your girlfriend, or whoever it is, somebody else is going to. She needs it. It's... connection is a woman's oxygen, and you are suffocating her if you're not giving her the opportunity to connect. Dates and it doesn't have to be something flamboyant or something outrageous, like hopping on a plane and going somewhere. Listen to what Coach Chris said. It could be as simple as coffee connection in the morning, simple as a walk. But if you're not doing it, you're not doing the easy things, the basic things. You're not going to get to that jet-setting trip to Paris 10 years from now, or wherever it is. Keep it simple, do the basics, but whatever you do, take action. We'll see you next time on The TPM Show.