The Power of Being: Breaking Free from Goal-Oriented Mindsets

Episode 1154

Most high achieving men are wired to chase goals.

The next promotion. The next milestone. The next income target. The next breakthrough in their marriage.

But what if constantly focusing on the destination is actually keeping you from enjoying your life right now?

In this episode, Doug Holt sits down with TPM Coach Neil to discuss a powerful shift that many successful men never make. Instead of living in the gap between where you are and where you think you should be, what if you learned how to experience fulfillment, connection, and confidence today?

Doug and Neil break down why so many men fall into the trap of believing that happiness, success, and a great marriage are waiting somewhere in the future. They also explore how being present, surrounding yourself with the right people, and focusing on who you're becoming can completely change your experience of life.

If you've been feeling stuck, disconnected, or like you're always chasing the next thing, this episode will challenge you to look at success in a very different way.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why goals alone rarely create lasting fulfillment• The difference between living in the gap and enjoying the journey• How successful men unknowingly create stress and dissatisfaction• Why your state of being matters more than your achievements• The power of surrounding yourself with growth minded men• How to stop waiting for happiness and start experiencing it now

The destination isn't where life happens. The journey is where it all unfolds.

Based on Doug Holt and Coach Neil's conversation about goal setting, fulfillment, personal growth, and creating the life and marriage you want by changing how you show up every day.

If your marriage feels disconnected and you're not sure what's missing, start by getting clarity.

Get the free training at https://thepowerfulman.com/scales and learn the hidden reasons why so many men feel stuck in their relationships. You'll discover a simple framework to identify what's really going on, where things may have gone off track, and practical steps you can take to rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy.

The training is completely free and can help you start making meaningful changes today.

Transcription

Doug Holt 0:00You can just see that they're lit up, and they found their mojo back.

Neil 0:02We know it's available.

Doug Holt 0:04You set a goal, "I'm gonna do X by Y."

Neil 0:07When I set a goal, how big is that goal?

Doug Holt 0:09It's a state of being, not a state of doing.

Neil 0:12How do you feel when you're in that space?

Doug Holt 0:16The journey, the gap, is the destination.

Neil 0:20It wasn't a place to connect; it was a deflection.

Doug Holt 0:22Men need other men to be around.

Neil 0:25Focusing on that, and we are not present to what's available here.

Doug Holt 0:28These other men become your mirrors.

Doug Holt 0:40Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The TPM Show. I am joined by a very special guest, Coach Neil. And today we're going to talk about the fact that, you know what, it's not actually the destination you're trying to get to. Neil, thanks for being here, man. Oh, it's a pleasure. Absolutely, man. How are you, Doug? I'm doing great. I just dropped the kids off at basketball camp, rushed over here, and said hi to I got to meet eight amazing men.

So, we have The Alpha Reset going on right now. For guys that don't know, it's our flagship experiential program. Been doing it for nine years. 100% of the men say it's the most transformational experience, if not the top three they've ever experienced in their life including finding their creator for men that have done that in their lives, having kids, being married, businesses. These are amazing men. It's an amazing experience. And you and Coach Steve just walked alongside of these guys and took them to the finish line.

Wow, those guys look... it's so cool to see a man in his 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, but the vigor, the excitement in their hearts and in their eyes you can just see that they're lit up and they've found their mojo back.

Neil 1:51And that word was used a lot this week "mojo" by one of the guys, especially. Yes, it was. That's what drives me. What keeps me coming back is like, we know what's available.

Doug Holt 2:01Yeah, absolutely. Well, we were talking about this before we hit record. You know, like so many of our guys men, and I'm one of them are so goal-oriented, right? Goal-motivated. You set a goal, "I'm gonna do X by Y," you know? And we set goals there's New Year's resolutions, people set goals for significant birthday milestones, business goals. We got our quarterly rocks, we got our OKRs, we got all the things that we're doing in business are all goal-oriented, and yet we expect to have something at the end of that. Let's talk a little bit about that.

Neil 2:37Yeah, that's that to me is, is, is the destination. We've heard in destination, it is, is where we want to be, and we end up focusing on that, and we are not present to what's available here in front of us, right here, right now. And I think that there's, there's a lot going on with that, and to unpack, there is first: if, like, when I set a goal, how big is that goal? Is it too big? Is it too small? Is like, what's it? Where is it? So, that's the first thing I really see in people, is what is that like?

And then when they set that goal, what is it that they feel like when they've set that goal and now they get to achieve that goal? What do they feel like while they're trying to attain that goal? That's what the part for me that comes up, and I think we missed the mark on a lot of that. What I found

Doug Holt 3:32I 100% agree. Obviously, that's what we teach. So, we have a concept we teach at TPM, which is not unique to TPM it's been adapted. It's this idea that most of us go through a life with "have, do, be," right? And what that looks like for those listening is, you know, "Hey, once I have the great marriage, then I'll do the things that, you know, for my wife. I'll show her that I love her unconditionally, I'll do the things around the house, then I'll be happy."

Neil 4:05Then I'll feel successful, right? Then I'll feel complete. And the truth of it is, we want to flip that over, right? To "be, do, have," right? Because once you actually are content in your relationship, in your marriage, right, then you get to do the great stuff, and then you get to have the amazing marriage. It's a state of being, not a state of doing.

But we're such great doing machines. We've been taught, haven't we, from a very young age to go to school and do? Yeah, do school, do homework. You know, "Do your homework, and then do eat your greens." I'll tell you what to do. Yeah, you should.

Like one of my guys that we've just had in the process, like, he was told that you get to go to work and have no childhood. And from a very young age, while he was working, everyone was playing, yeah. And it does all he knew was to do, yeah. And I think that the the key is, is like you said, you know, we... I like, you said, I was like, I heard one guy talking, it still rings in my head all the time, is like, "Yeah, I'm at work, and I'm just gonna get this done, and then we can go on vacation, and I'll be happy."

And so, what is that energy that I'm putting out, and what are you feeling like, first and foremost? How do I how do you feel when you're in that space? That is the real key. Is I always I always say, what come back to that very question: how am I feeling right now about my situation on my journey to those goals?

Doug Holt 5:33Yeah, well, then the thing that's interesting there's so many things I want to talk about is we create a gap. So, when I have a goal... let's just say, well, a lot of the men listening to this are either lost, they feel stuck, maybe it's their marriage isn't working to the level that they want to, you know, it's not perfect in their eyes. So, when I say my marriage isn't working, I've created a gap between where I am today and where I want to be, and men are so focused on that gap, that missing piece. And I say that because as soon as most men achieve that goal, they might celebrate for a day, "Whoopee!" You know, crack a beer or two, and then they set another goal, and so then they're back at it, and they've created another gap, and another gap, and another gap.

And they do that, in my opinion, Neil, because they don't they're not fully fulfilled within themselves, and so they don't realize that the journey, the gap, is the destination, and that's where the sweet stuff lives. And I know you live this, so you know it's sometimes we do these podcasts, it's difficult because I'm talking to someone who lives this, right? And it's the idea that for men listening to us, I want you to understand that you can have all that you want right now, right? Maybe not the material things per se, but the feelings of the material things the feeling of what it would be like to have a private jet, the feeling of what it's like to have a great marriage, the feeling of what it's like to have unconditional love. All of those things are readily available for you in this moment. You just might be lacking the tools on how to access it.

Neil 7:13Yeah, that you just nailed it. Is the feeling state is available at any given moment, as you said, though. It's like, "Oh, how do I, how do I create that? How do I...?" Because I think we're always looking outside of us for it, so it must be out there, when it's actually the other way around. And we that's what we do, that's why we coach, that's why we support you in those blind spots that you can't see.

But I would, you know, guys that are out there trying to figure this out, is just cast your mind back. Look back on the times when you did achieve something; it felt so good. How did how did you get that? If something was, you were creating how you were feeling that got you there. And I can, and a lot of times I'll talk to guys that, "What was it like when you went on holiday?"

"Oh my god, it was amazing."

I said, "Why was that? You were there, right? You, you created the vacation. You..." And what was it like before you went on vacation? Did you imagine the vacation before you went?

"Oh, yeah, I did. Yeah."

And how did you feel?

"Oh, it was amazing."

And I said, "When you got there, how did you feel?"

"I was this."

And said, "So, you were present to that."

So, but we have this thing where we have perhaps business goals or relationship goals, we haven't got something that isn't quite as, you know... once we booked it, then the feeling place, the feeling state takes place. But then when there's something that we quite haven't quite got yet maybe it's a house, maybe it is a relationship is it the best relationship within the marriage you're in now? And because you are looking too far ahead of something that's actually happening in front of you. So when it comes to the marriage or the holiday or vacation, you say you're in it when you're on vacation, you find that your wife is connected and you're loving and you're having fun, but when we get home, we stop. What's going on there for you that's caused you, because you have history that you can do it?

Doug Holt 9:05Yes, yeah, it's so interesting. So, I used to do this around money, Neil. When I have X dollars, then I can, then I can pump the brakes, then I can relax, then I can do this. And what I know now, having coached for decades, is most people have the same amount of money in their bank account whether they make $1,000,000, $40 million dollars, or 40... like, the bank account doesn't change, right? It's the the attachment to that number, right? The state of mind doesn't change either, right?

Guys will think, "Okay, when I get my first million," or whatever the number is, right? Everybody's got their different number depending on what they're looking for. "Then I can be secure, then I can relax, then I can," to your point, "take the vacation."

And you and I know, doing this work for so long, there's a lot of guys that don't make it to that vacation, and this is a true reality, guys, that we're talking about. Here, guys, men will bust their ass so much to provide for their families, to protect, and they don't make it to the other side of that. So many, statistically go look it up, guys. Number two cause of death in the United States, I think it's number one in the UK for men now, if you look at the CDC website. I think it's 14 to like 46, don't quote me on it, but I'm pretty close to those ages. Number two cause of death is suicide, and that's not talked about.

And part of that is because guys are living so much in the gap between where they are today where they think they are today and where they think they should be, and they miss that the destination, right, is actually the journey itself. That journey that we're all on together. And it's like these men, these amazing men that came to this Alpha Reset that put it all on the line these last three days with you and Coach Steve. All we do is chip away the and give them a few tools, right? Every guy is different, but we the process works, as we've been doing for nine years. It's a proven process. It works for every single guy because there's steps on that process that are going to catch every single guy, and it gets men to finally realize, "Oh, I can feel light, I can have vigor, I can feel amazing, and it doesn't have to all be drudgery."

Neil 11:20Yeah, which is what the word you're saying is, is like... and I, when it comes to what people say, is I hear it all the time, is they focus on what they don't want and not what they want.

"Well, I no longer do that, but I do this."

Since you're still, you know, you say you no longer, but you're still focusing on that. So now, take that out of the equation, and what have you got?

"Oh, I, I do this all the time. I feel this."

We got one guy right now that has never had a vacation in 40 years, but he sent his family away.

Doug Holt 11:50Yeah, of course, because he's a provider. It's good for them, but "I'm not quite ready yet." Yeah, and this is where men have resentment, right? They'll have resentment because, "I'm doing it all for them," you know? They'll beat themselves to the ground, and then they'll look around when they're sick, they're tired, they need love or intimacy, and no one's there for them. And they start to resent the people that they've been pushing away all along. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy; you and I have seen it thousands of times. I mean, Doug, one point I did it. I thought I was being the better man, right? I thought I was doing the right things.

Neil 12:27Yep, the very thing that... when I was, when I was, before I started doing this work 25 years ago, I was like the class clown, and it attracted women in the first place, just a relaxing. It was like, "Oh, this guy's fun, he's good news, connected." And it wasn't... I was a good, fun guy, but after a while, it wasn't a place to connect; it was a deflection, yeah.

And so that was that was one of the key factors. My one of my breakthroughs was to say, "Oh, slow down, it's okay." What was in my way? And that's I think that's what... so, those these three days are extraordinary to see these men walk in here on that Monday evening, and all tied up in knots, masks on, and within, you know, 72 hours, they just on... as you say, light flying.

And there's something else about when we are setting a goal. There's another part of this equation, which is: that goal isn't done alone, correct? And that is a massive part of what I want to really, you know, like if you talk about that today, is everything in life is never done alone, no matter what you think it might. It's not like we're sitting here at the moment on this chair. Who made this chair? Somebody made it so I could sit in it, yeah. This microphone that we're using, you know, it's magical stuff, but we don't see that. "Oh, I'm sat in my office at the back on my own."

Doug Holt 13:55I want to buy you a gift. Look, if your marriage is struggling and let's be real, every marriage struggles at some point, but yours is struggling where you've lost that love, admiration, respect I want to help you. I want to buy you a copy of the book that I wrote, A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. In here, I've distilled over eight years of programs that we've developed at TPM to help men just like you save their marriages without talking about it. There's no fluff, no BS. It's an action plan that you can start using today to actually save your marriage and bring that love and respect back into your family, back into your house. You deserve it.

Look, all I ask is you pay the postage, you pay the shipping. I'll buy the book for you, that way you can take massive action today. Click the link or find it in the bio and get your copy now.

Neil 14:49Actually, you're not, yeah. And to see these men come together... and I think that they're one of the greatest things in goal setting, goal life is, is what is another part of that expression, is like, "I am setting a goal with a group of men that I've gathered together with." And if something extraordinary happens when humans come together and they suddenly create a goal together. There's accountability together, and that's the key part I believe in. Where we do set the goal, we can be in the adventure on the journey, not on the destination.

Doug Holt 15:22Yeah. Well, and I think it's so important, Neil. There's a reason that when you go to most events... I just dropped off kids for basketball, right? There's a group of guys kind of milling about together, or around each other, and a group of women are around each other. Men need other men to be around. I didn't get that before I started doing men's work, right? I mean, I played sports, right? That... so, I'd play with women if I could, right? But at the same time, I didn't realize the need for me to be around other men that were high performers. I naturally gravitated towards that, but I didn't understand it to the level I know now.

And so the thing is, for the guys listening to this, these other men become your mirrors. They reflect back to you the things that you can't see. So Neil and I could sit here and tell you all the things that you need to do, and you'll get it to a degree, but experiencing it, right? Like, I've skydived. I can describe skydiving to you, right? And people did, for my first jump my only jump, I've only jumped once. There's a reason for that, but it's another story for another time. But I had a lot of people describe it to me. I've seen movies, right, people skydiving and all that good stuff. But when I jumped out of that plane, that's a visceral experience I will never forget. I got it literally at a cellular level of what it meant to fly through the air.

And when you are doing personal development because it is personal and you're growing yourself, which you should grow, everybody should grow, because you're like a plant. If you're not growing, you're dying

Neil 17:01That's exactly right.

Doug Holt 17:02It needs to be an element of experiential, and even and just as important with another group of men, because it's so easy to hide. It's so easy to hide through the intellect. And I always I've said this, you know, you've been coaching for a long time, too, but you know, when I started high-end coaching... high-end coaching is expensive coaching, right? But working with very intelligent people, I worked with a lot of hedge fund guys. They're very bright, and I realized right away: the smarter the client was, the more escapes he would give himself. He'd lie to himself more.

Yeah, and she would because I used to work with women too but they'll lie to themselves more because they'll intellectualize the reasons for what they're doing for justifications. But when you're surrounding yourself by seven, eight, nine, ten other men, you can't hide, and you start experiencing because they're looking right at you, going, "I'm seeing what you're doing."

Yeah, yes, exactly. And that's why it's part of the journey, like yourself is walking alongside another man. And there's a reason they always say "iron sharpens iron" or "birds of a feather flock together." There's all these old sayings, and there's a reason for them. And when you can surround yourself by other great men who are on a similar but different journey as you, you can have fun along the way. Sure, there's gonna be bumps, there's gonna be bruises, but you got someone there to pick you up, dust you off, give you a little chuckle, right? Maybe make fun of you a little bit, as us boys do. But they're there to support you along your journey, and they've got nothing to gain other than your own raising up.

Neil 18:40Yeah, you triggered something in me as you were speaking, as is like that that narrative of when we're learning something new, you know? I said it earlier, like, you know, the unconscious incompetence: we don't know what we don't know, sure. And then when suddenly they have these aha moments, is like, "Oh gosh, oh, I now know that I know it," intellectualize it. So that becomes conscious incompetence. But to really embody it, it's going to take two more steps at least to get to become unconsciously competent.

I heard a lot this this week was guys saying, "God, I just... how do I, how do I approach that? How do I do that?"

How do I...? I said, "Well, you just got to put in the reps. It takes time." A to have a coach there to support you, or somebody, a mentor to support you and hold you accountable to that goal, because it takes it does take, you know, accountability. And I asked the men, I said, "What's accountability mean to you in this group?"

And they're like, "Oh, it makes me feel like, uh, uncomfortable."

I went, "Great. Great, because I've got to make sure that I'm keeping up with my goals or my mechanisms that are in place."

But the part that keeps coming back is, is like, oh, I... you hear a lot in society is, "I tried it once, oh, I didn't I'm not good at that," and it stopped. People moving forward because they've tried it once, and it stops them realizing that that's part of the journey is to trip and fall and have the group around you to pick you up and go, "So, what did you learn from that?" And I think that's the part we forget, you know? All we've been taught is like, "I'm no good at that."

I said, "Well, let's try it again."

Doug Holt 20:19You know, the best analogy I've heard with that, Neil, or story is: you have kids, I have kids. If your if your son tripped and fell the first time he tried to walk, would you bet, "Yep, he's not a walker, he can't walk. Let's just... the next time he tries to get up, you just knock him down"? Is that what happened, or did you encourage him to keep trying? Right?

I mean, I think we lose that idea that we forget, hey, the first time you rode tried to ride a bike, it wasn't successful, right? The first time you've tried to do most things... business, right? Business is tough, man. Like, you can read a lot of books, but putting them into practice, it's a full-contact sport, and you're gonna screw up, and as long as you keep learning and investing and going through it...

So, I'm solo parenting right now, as I've already said, which is great. And my daughter comes down, right? Both kids are sleeping on mattresses in my room, we're having fun, little sleepover, and my daughter comes down son's still sleeping and I'm sitting at the computer screen, as most of us do now, almost like Zoom, talking to somebody, but I'm talking in Spanish. And she comes over, I go, "Hey, yeah, I'm in school right now. This is my meet Carlos, he's my Spanish teacher."

And my daughter's like, "You're going to school?"

"Yeah, no." So I took Spanish five years of Spanish in high school. It's gonna shock you, but um, it's been a while since I've been in high school, but you got to keep learning.

And the thing that was different for me, Neil, than other times I've tried it, is I didn't have the baggage attached to the guilt, the shame of trying to speak a language that I forgot. I spent a long time studying, my daughter was able to see me be very playful, and even Carlos, the instructor, was like, "Hey, you know, you're gonna be good."

I go, "Dude, I'm fine. Like, I'm good. I'm at where I'm at." And as long as I keep showing up for you with him as a coach for me... yes, I could get the audiobooks. I have all the Pimsleur, the whatever language books you can have audios, books, workbooks, AI, I have all of that but having Carlos there to correct me, to encourage me, and just to show up, too. I gotta show up at that meeting with Carlos. My Spanish is going to get better.

And you can apply that to anything in life. Instead of going, "Shoot, there's a gap between where I am," because there is a gap, "and where I'd like to be with my my Spanish language skills," I'm just celebrating each and every time, like, "I'm growing, man. I'm going to I'm learning Spanish. Like, I'm gonna be able to speak to somebody," and that's that's cool to me. And just celebrating having that feeling, to your point earlier, having that feeling now today, rather than waiting till I go to Spain because we have a Spain, Spain trip is coming up to be able to sit there and order at the restaurant and impress everybody with my linguistic talents.

Neil 23:09And I think that's part of it, is like to have fun with that, saying, "I want to feel that way," so I feel it now. And it's like, that's the finding of how I'm gonna... like, let's go back to the holiday example: "I'm going to feel this today because I'm excited about going," and guess what happens? You go on vacation, have a great time. Well, of course, you will. Yeah.

And so, I love Spanish, by the way. I lived in Spain for a year, and it was the hardest part for me was leaving, because I knew that, "I'm leaving this country this is Spanish to go to another English-speaking country." And I was at a point in the year that I was immersed in it texting while I was driving, which I shouldn't have been, but I could text while I was driving and I'm like, that's how good I got, and I could speak to it. And I was I was living in a Spanish village, so I had no... every opportunity I had, to speak Spanish, yeah. And so it's what... and it was so wonderful, and so immersion is important.

Doug Holt 24:05Yeah, immersion. Yes, the best way.

Neil 24:09Totally.

Doug Holt 24:09Outside of immersion, is find an expert that could guide you and teach and teach you.

Neil 24:15And I think it's when you're speaking into that, is: if I want to learn to communicate with my wife where I'm having a real challenge, and going just... it's the round-around or the merry-go-round of life, and realizing, "I'm doing the same thing, and nothing is changing, and I'm not sure what's going on. My wife is calling me out and telling me this, and telling me that," and I'm like, "I just don't know what to do."

Well, it's just like learning a new language: you've got to try something different. And that's what we, as at at TPM, is like, we love to do this work and show people. Like, how many times we've got the men together, and they're like... I've said, "Are we married to the same woman?" And because there's similarities. And what I mean by that is similarities between each other because of communication skills what women look for. In my opinion, are looking for, you know, this connectivity that men perhaps not taught, or we've lost we lost it because our wives married us. How did they marry us? Because we had some skills. Yep, we just lost our way, forgot how to.

Doug Holt 25:17100% yeah. And so, guys listening to this now, we started talking about this whole idea of "have, do, be" or "be, do, have." You can have that right now if things aren't working in your marriage relationship. Most guys at least what I did, Neil is I would be like, "Well, when Erin, my wife, when she does this, then I'll act this way," right? I was waiting for these things to happen, these things to do for me to be satisfied. "I'll be fully committed in this marriage, I'll go full in," because I had one and a half feet out the door, right, and she did too.

Neil 25:57Right, because you were showing up that way.

Doug Holt 25:59100% right.

Neil 26:00It's a mirror. It's the energy.

Doug Holt 26:02And which makes it harder harder to learn, harder to do anything. It's my point, going full circle back to the Spanish lessons. Instead of feeling like, "Oh my gosh, I'm embarrassed that I can't pronounce these words. I'm embarrassed I forgot so much. I'm embarrassed I haven't kept this up..." These are the old Doug, you know, 20-some years. This is the conversation I would have had in my head, right? And I would have been so stuck in my head trying to... "Oh my gosh, this guy's asking me to say something simple. I'm so stupid." You know, "Dude, shut up," be talking to myself.

Instead, I was having fun and being in the energy of like, "Yeah, this is great. I'm taking time out, I'm bettering myself, I'm learning something I'm passionate about, I'm really excited about this." I was more childlike, and I did better, right? And this guy was like, "Wow, you have an amazing vocabulary."

I'm like, "Wow, you know, thank you."

Neil 26:51You were having fun.

Doug Holt 26:52It's exactly what I was having the end result I'm desiring, right in that moment. And that's the "be, do, have." You still get to do the work, right? I still get to show up for Spanish class, right? I still get to have the end result, but it starts with the being.

Neil 27:09And do it doing the homework. How does it feel to do the homework you're doing?

Doug Holt 27:13Oh, I love it. It's fun. It's not homework, right? It's play, and it makes it exciting. And the funniest thing is and I hear this all the time from our advisors. So for those that don't know, guys that are interested in our programs get on a call with one of our advisors. They find out more information, we find out about your situation, etc., see if it's a good fit.

But the funniest thing is, the advisors talk about it all the time, is the guys will talk about their wives are like, "Oh, well, she just wants me to be more decisive, me be more here." And they're on the phone with a guy, and he's like, "Well, I don't know what to do." You're getting the end result right now, right? You're getting that end result already.

What if you were in the mentality of, "My marriage is going to work," or, "I am going to be the best husband I can possibly be," whatever your situation is, and living into that? Hey, I'm gonna get some new skills, I'm going to get some new tools in my toolbox, and I'm going to apply those. And if my wife decides that she wants out because I've waited too long which happens, as we both know you can apply these skills to the next person, right? You can keep moving on, and you can be in that state of contentment. You can feel like a king of your kingdom regardless of anybody else comes, goes, what have you you can have that feeling today.

Neil 28:28So, it's just one last thing. When you talked about childlike and bringing my son into it, who's just finished his sixth-grade school... and you know, the best class where he got an A in it was the class he had the most fun in, because the teacher was fun. He loved it. It wasn't it wasn't homework, it was fun. Yeah, and he nailed it. And the teacher says, "He's my favorite student because he is having so much fun," because the teacher was making it fun.

Doug Holt 28:53Yeah, I had a teacher like that in school, you know. It was it was for World Politics, I think it was. He won Teacher of the Year in California, but he was so engaging, exciting. I had him... sitting next to me, I had a gang member, right? And he this guy's name was Alex. I know the guy, just grew up, made some wrong decisions. He never did anything in class. Alex was one of the first people in the seat. He was ready, he was attentive, he... that this teacher made it exciting. Everybody in the class just bit in.

That's what you do, Neil, for all these men. When men come through The Activation Method, you make it fun. They're not in the best stage of their life, usually. Some guys come in, they just like, "Hey, I want to learn some new tools," and some guys are like, "Hey, divorce papers have been served." And you make it fun and easy for them to learn new ways of being, new ways of seeing things. So, that's something I appreciate about you. You always make it fun.

Neil 29:48I do. I love... yeah, life is fun for me if I can make it so. Absolutely right.

Doug Holt 29:53If you were to give someone listening to this one tip... Coach Steve put me on the spot earlier when I was in that in the house of the guys. If you can give someone listening to this one tip to close this out... they're listening to this, they're like, "I resonate with Coach Neil." What's the one thing that you'd want them to leave with?

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Neil 30:14When you're feeling the tension of, "Can I do this?" the very thing that you think that you can't do is the very reason you want to get the support you need. It's like, "I can't do this, it's not working for me." It's like, that's the very reason why, because you're you'll nail it, you will get it. That's the... I say that all the time. It's like the very reason you... you're the excuses you make about not doing something is the very reason you get to do the things you find uncomfortable, because at the end of the day, you've got some tension.

Yes, so what is that tension? It's just telling you something. It's a reading to the tension. What's the feeling you're having? And you know, acknowledge it, and then say, "Let's do it anyway." Step take a step forward, like jumping out of the airplane. Just jump and see what happens.

Doug Holt 31:00I say fear plus courage equals an extraordinary magical experience. Something happens that's magical, gives you a lesson, gives you feedback. I love that there's two guys in that house right now that are in our Inner Circle group. Our Inner Circle group is $98,000 a year. I don't say that to impress anybody, but to impress upon them that these guys make a significant investment in capital and in time. And what we tell them all the time is: live into your edge, find out what makes you feel uncomfortable, and that's where we're going. And there's a reason that these world-class performers do just what Coach Neil recommended right there, because it friggin' works, and that's what world-class performers do. Man, I love you. Love the work you do. Thank you so much for being here.

Neil 31:43My pleasure. Yeah, thank you.

Doug Holt 31:45All you do for the movement, gentlemen. As I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. You just got an amazing tip from Coach Neil. He has been doing the work himself, eats his own cooking, and has been helping men just like you do the exact same. Find your mojo, find out where your comfort is, and push past it, because that's where the sweet spot is.

And, like Coach Neil said, the reason you're saying you can't do something maybe it's The Activation Method, maybe it's have a conversation with a loved one, maybe it's going for that promotion or that another job the reason you're saying you can't do it is exactly the reason you need to do it today, today. As always, guys, I'm in your corner. We'll see you next time on The TPM Show.